I'd like to begin this note with the fact that I made this album a year ago, and I'm doing way better mentally than I was. I'm way better now! More silly tunes and jams on the way; keep posted! ! ! ! !




tw/ suicide, eating disorders

The first track is split into two sections: "I WISH I WASN'T ANYTHING AT ALL" and "TINY LITTLE STAR IN MY HANDS." Throughout this entire album, acoustic instruments are juxtaposed with harsh digital noises, and this song is a clear example. It's a sad song penned with regret and self-hatred. I wrote this song after staring at myself in the mirror. I was upset. I hated my body. Abominable flesh prisons Disgusting, disproportionate skin suit. You want to tear it out. You want to rid yourself of what hurts you the most. After clawing away at it for long enough, you think you're breaking free, but you're just coasting with death over your shoulder. The second track is anguish. I just wanted the song to be as loud as possible. This song uses the metaphor of 'a star'. The tiny little star in my hands represents a lot of things. For you, it can be whatever it needs to be. For me, it represents delicate things, like relationships, friends, and life, or all-imposing things, like suicide. The star burns your hands, but you keep holding on to it. 

The second track is very loud; this was another track where I just wanted things to be as loud as possible. The supernova metaphor is meant to symbolize suicide—the death of a star. When a star explodes, it explodes brightly and engulfs anything surrounding it. When someone commits suicide, it hurts a lot of people: family, friends, teachers, etc. It really hurts. That’s one of my biggest fears: that I'll kill myself and then cause irreversible damage to the people who say they love me. That thought has kept me on this planet longer. 

The third track is very important to me. I made the demo for it a while ago after seeing my online friends struggle mentally through their private accounts spam posts. Then an IRL friend of mine committed suicide. I spoke to them every day. Every day, "How have you been?" “How are you?" and all those questions, and I didn’t know shit. It felt like something was ripped out of my heart. The acoustic instruments being swallowed by the harsh noises are meant to symbolize this disconnect: really caring for people, but you're stuck behind a screen; really caring for people, but you don't know what they're struggling with. This song and the second track pair together in this way. I recorded this song in memory. I was crying so hard the entire time. I was throwing things, punching walls, everything. Make sure you tell your friends you love them; they can disappear at any moment.

The fourth track is very important. This song is where the album gets its name. I wrote the song as a suicide note. I wrote it for my partner. I wanted to write a happier song for them just in case the worst happened. The sample in the middle of the song is of someone reading a book called “Esperanza Rising." Esperanza and her family had to leave their house because their family’s lives were threatened. The vocal sample is of the grandmother telling Esperanza to 'not be afraid to start over;' do not be afraid of change or of starting a new life. I included this sample because I wanted to tell my partner that if I commit suicide, it isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t be afraid to start over and move on. I first read the book in 5th grade, and that’s also the same year I figured out I wasn’t cis. I just wanted to be like her because, even in less-than-desirable circumstances, she’s happy.

The fifth track is a track that came out of the sessions for "RIP MY HEART OUT." I didn’t put it on the record because I didn’t finish it in time. I wrote it after an online relationship fell apart, but now, especially after the third track, its meaning has completely changed. It isn’t about that relationship anymore; it's about loss. The scene in the chorus of the song is ripped from a scene in Fahrenheit 451 where Montage's wife overdoses on sleeping pills. The sample throughout the song is of the Teen Suicide song "Everything is Going to Hell."

The final two tracks are connected; they were initially one song. The first track is the scariest thing on the album. My goal was to try to portray death and hell. A murky place of sorrowful screams. There’s a scene in Dante's Inferno where Dante walks through a forest of trees that used to be people. People who killed themselves were sent to this eternal torment. This scene has always been drilled into my head. That’s the scene where this song would play. The final track is meant to be a more optimistic look at the themes of the album. It's where the cover art comes from. Water is very important to me. I’ve always wanted to live by the water. I feel calm in huge bodies of water. 




If you made it to the end, thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this supreme yapping session. I hope you enjoy the album. It means the world when people engage with my art.